21 4 / 2012
Feeling out of sorts
I think when you feel not okay inside you also show it outside. That means something different to everyone. Some people starve themselves in a hope that it will make them feel better, others just keep stuffing food inside thinking that feeling of full will over power the emptiness inside. Others cut, draining drops of blood like toxins from their bodies hoping the pain will run out with it, and even if it doesn’t at least the pain from the cut is under their control and quiets the screaming of their aching heart. We all hurt inside some more than others.
I hurt and like everyone else keep it to myself stuffing myself with food till I feel sick. I don’t know why I do this still, maybe out of habit. It started because I was pregnant and my ex needed marijuana more than I needed food and so I had to live on 20 a week, which with no stove or fridge makes it a little difficult to live on. It took over my whole thinking process. When I was going to get food again. It became so normal that even when it was no longer an issue it still occupies my mind.
I have no other addictions I don’t smoke, I rarely have a glass of alcohol, I can’t even consistently eat the same thing over and over, I get bored. I was told I lack the attention span to have any serious addictions…so I chose the hardest addiction…the one you have to live with every day because you can not give up food. I don’t know if that is how I punish myself or if it is the wide variety that keeps me addicted.
I am going to beat this though, and I am going to recover. I weigh 174 lbs today and that is about 50 lbs more than I should weigh with a body fat of almost 35% which will kill me slowly if I don’t stop this. I have been thin, and I came into this problem as an adult. I will beat this as an adult.
I am going to exercise, journal and only eat when I need to. I am not going to lose the joy of food, in fact I am going to start really enjoying food. Tasting everything and chewing food completely. I am going to do this for myself because there is no other reason that means as much to me.
01 12 / 2011
Some where
Some place is mine
I can go there and I am not alone or in a crowd I just am
I can be there and I am just me nothing bad nor good
Some place just is mine
14 11 / 2011
She's Me. You're You. Let's Go Live.: I keep your heart in the pocket of an old fleece coat.It used to fit...
I keep your heart in the pocket of an old fleece coat.
It used to fit my grandfather, y’know?
The sleeves were always a little too long for his stretched arms
and the hem always seemed to fray when the wind started to blow.
(Especially when the wind came from my grandmother’s asterisk of a…
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14 11 / 2011
The marshmallow test is about instant gratification versus delayed gratification. Is there an Adult Marshmallow Test not just for new parents, but new teachers? Yes.
(via gjmueller)
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13 11 / 2011
Some days
Some days I just want to go
I just want to walk away
Some days I just want let you know
I just want to let you be
Some days I just want to yell and scream
I want to rip your face off
Some days I wish you would stop stomping on my dreams
I love you because you hurt me
13 11 / 2011
secrets
Everyone has several faces…
I have my face for you
face for them
face for my public
face for my bedroom
my best and most scariest face is the one I share with no one the one that is raw and uninhibited. The one that embraces my inner slut and voyeur but also the person who pleases me and isn’t afraid to be selfish and fulfill my needs, can be free and explore my desires